We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
