new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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