i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she told me i tasted like america
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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