Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
