Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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