Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
