we have officially lost it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
