So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
