I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
