wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My bed smells like the plague
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
