i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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