there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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