who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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