he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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