My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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