Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize