I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
