pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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