Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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