I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you made out with another girl for some wings
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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