Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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