I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
