found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
