I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
