apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
