There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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