Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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