its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
