He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
