Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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