my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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