I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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