life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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