Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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