Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
