This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize