How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
