if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
