i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was born a porn star she said
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
