I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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