My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
