I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
