Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
