Are we in a gay sports bar?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
