she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
