I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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