I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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