Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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