The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
