That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize