My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
