: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Screwed.edu
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
