An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
