I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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