A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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