Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
