My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
