DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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